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Transcript
Comedy performance by Johanne Savoie
at Lafflines Comedy Club
Vancouver, B.C., Canada
October, 1998

Irwin Barker: Actually, uh... One of our regular Vancouver-based comedians again, but travels all over... and I know you're going to enjoy her,... She's here first thing... Welcome please - Johanne Savoie

Johanne Savoie: Check the suit,.. he's wearing a purple suit, that is hot!... Purple with pin-stripes,... He's like a gay accountant. Gorgeous! He probably got it at the Value Village in HIS neighbourhood...

I'm freakin' cold, are you people cold? Are you? O.K., it's not just me... Oh, thank God, see, I thought it was just me, 'cause I, uh, I uh, drove in all the way from Marpole on my motorcycle and boy, are my nipples hard!

I start off with that joke, you know, and I never should 'cause people always look at me like, huh? like, 'cause they don't believe me, right? ...'cause I don't look the type, but it's true I really, I wanna set the record straight, I really do, uh, have, uh... breasts.

(reaction)

O.K., I don't have 'em here... They're at home; I'm getting my nipples re-aligned. I've got a mechanic on that - right now...

I, uh, you guys, you had a moment to look at me now, so uh, you kind of know me, you know my vibe and everything... and it's kind of a bizarre time of year 'cause I'm single again and I need your opinion, so, uh, please... I'm asking you a personal question, you don't have to like,.. you know... and I can't,... I can't see you... You can applaud under the table,... just please... just let me know... How many people here would sleep with me tonight if I asked you nicely enough? How many?

(covers eyes as various men, women and others applaud - and everyone else just looks embarrassed)

Alright. The rest of you are just shy, right?... Right? O.K., that's fine... O.K., that's good, that's not a bad... you know, sometimes it's like dead silence, I can hear the crickets in the room...

I'm a little depressed, because I'm single right now and, um, I just... I just had like, my last single weekend, you know I moved this weekend... alone... and, um... You can't get guys to help you to move if you're not going to sleep with them, so, um... Found that out the hard way... so, ah...

So, ah,...It's a little depressing, 'cause you know I'm single and I was thinking, O.K., well, I gotta figure this out now, so I decided to get analytical and really, like, analyze my situation,... so I decided to do the "Cosmo" girl thing,...I charted my love life on a graph...

...and, uh, here's how it turned out - turns out that I'm in LOVE and then he dumps me and then I'm celibate for a couple of years ,... and then I meet another guy and then I'm in LOVE and then he dumps me and then I'm celibate for a couple of years...... I'm romantic- depressive...

I'm getting an analyst on that right away...

And it's sad, too, 'cause it's kind of a romantic time of year,... not that every time of year isn't but,... I'm on Granville Street, right?... and there's this *cute* 17-year-old couple, they're just so cute, you know,... and the guy, like is all full of his first shot of hormones,... you know, he's gonna impress his girlfriend, you know,... so he gets up on this park bench, ... and he holds the... the back of the park bench with one hand, and he rolls over he does a one-armed handstand right there on the park bench, right?... And the girl's just looking at him, like, "Aw, He's so strong, huh? He's my boy friend..."

And, me, I'm bitter... So, I walk by that and I go, "Ah-ho!, Look!... the Statue of Puberty".... And then he fell.... *my fault*... That was sad, oh, man,...

But you know, it's funny, uh, as much as I worry about being single what women really worry about? You'll notice that... is our hair....We do we worry about hair; we spend time and money worrying about hair... I uh,... I uh... (some guy mutters, "Get a life!") It's true... You'll notice this...next time you're, uh, sleeping with a woman, there, ... heckler-boy...

Yeah, right...

Next time you're sleeping with a woman, notice this, 'cause women, we won't sleep on our side, 'cause our hair will go flat, right... and then we won't sleep on our back, 'cause it'll stick up funny, so what do women do?... We sleep on our face.... And then we wonder why we look a little *puffy* in the morning.

Ah, man, I had this perm last year, 'cause I,... I don't know what was going through my head,... I thought, "Maybe the boys would like me better with a headful of *yarn*!"

It was worth a try, but now I have all these conditioners,... you know? You have to, like, over-condition your hair... and they have this thing on the market called, "Henna 'n' Placenta"... I know...yeah... What kind of frizzies do you have to have... to wanna go slappin' some of that old afterbirth... on your hair...?

Henna 'n' Placenta!...; And you know, when you think about it, Who's the guy who figured this out?... 'cause when the baby rubs its head against it for nine months,... it comes out bald.

I'm still puzzling that one out... Still tryin' to figure that out...

And the whole motherhood thing, you know, 'cause I'm at that age now where, you know, the motherhood thing is, is kind of passing me by, and I'm thinkin'... "should I? shouldn't I?"...yaaarhh... I don't know... You know, 'cause, You can never do right by your kids... You can't, no matter what you do...

You know, I hang out in Kitsilano, right,... where all these like, rebels in the sixties decided, "We're going to raise our kids, like, totally, like, with new rules, and..." you know... So, like, they gave their kids names like "Rainbow" and "Moonbeam" and, you know,... and it's a beautiful thing, right? And you'd think these kids would be happy... with names like "Rainbow" ...NO... I met this woman named "Rainbow"...Oh, is she peeved!

And she's a mother now... And wouldn't you know... She's decided she's gonna invent a whole NEW set of rules, you know, she says to me, she says, "I don't believe in, even, NAMING children... You know? Because that's like, so AGGRESSIVE... You know? I believe that you should wait... until the child is older... and then, you know, the child, can, like, y'know, choose their own name."

So then I meet her kids, right... "Here's my first boy... His name is... Barney. And here's my daughter... Isn't she lovely? Her name is... Barney... And here's my little baby, ah, he's so cre-ative, he's gonna be an artist... His name is ...Big Bird... Which you may want to change later, yeah? That or become a porn star..."

So, you, you,...what I'm saying is, you can never get it right... so give it up...

My mom,... my mom had trouble with me boy, did she have trouble with me. .. Because she was French, mom was French... Dad was French,... the whole family's French... I am French... as a result.... I'm speaking French to you right now... Don't you feel smarter? Ha?

Ah, and, you know, mom was French but she insisted on saying all those things that all mothers say only she said them wrong.... You know, like, she used to say, "I suppose you're gonna go, ah, with your friends,... if your friends, dey all go and dey jump in da lake, there, and they're swimming around, you wanna jump in, too...."

Yeeee-ah?...

This one got me... "And you're gonna take those scissors, and you're gonna stick them in your eye!"

Why would I do that, Mom?.... !!?...!!!???

Oh, here's one she said to me all the time; she said.... "It's time to go clean up your room!"

(So, I'm thinking, how can I get out of this?)

Mom, um, I'm gonna deal with your language skills a little later, O.K.?....I didn't say I was a good daughter... I was bad... bad daughter... Oh, man.....

Yeah, so one thing that mom wouldn't approve of my talking about here onstage tonight is condoms, y'know, and, uh... I have to because I'm a comedian and it's in our contract...

Do you know in Ireland they will not advertise condoms - I found this out 'cause I was flying to Europe this summer - They won't advertise condoms because of the Catholic Church. The Catholic Church will not allow it. Which I think is horrible, because, you know, kids are having sex even in Ireland, you know,... all that beer...

And um... and you know kids are gonna die... And this, to me, this is horrible, you know, and what I'm thinking is,... why not do a "Win-Win" thing, you know,.. why not hip it up in Ireland with the Catholic Church thing, ... Why not use the condom ads to promote the Catholic Church, so everybody wins, like, uh....

Here's one, uh,... "Use condoms... the immaculate contraception."

"Think of Jesus... wear your lambskin."

"Jesus died for your sins... so you don't have to!" (You can) sin... and live... and sin... and live!....

Ah, makes me want to see "Riverdance" all over again...

Yes, I can feel the love... Ah, speaking of love, oh, boy, you know, condoms have changed everything, haven't they? They're uh,... 'cause humans are really... we're sensitive... We're very sensitive, little... furry... forest animals is what we are... essentially and, uh, coming out, you know, like, we're sensitive to things like SMELLS, you know, still, primally, on a primal level,... They've shown this, with aromatherapy...

And you know what smell really turns me on, really gets me going, now in the '90 's... LATEX. That's it... That's the smell that triggers to me..."I'm ready!... I want it now... Ho!, it's time! it's time! it's time!" Really, I do that little dance before I get... Is it any wonder I'm single?

So, uh,... that's fine in the privacy of your own bedroom... Except that I'm at my six-year-old niece's birthday party... and... and in walks this CLOWN... with an armload of balloons!... Long, angry, purple balloons!....

And he starts twisting them into these animal shapes, you know?... Like he's the "Tarzan" of some bizarre rubber jungle...

And, people, this was no ordinary clown... This was a SEXY clown... This clown had these lips... (draws them)...looked like he was always smiling...you know?

And he had these HUGE feet and hands... And you gotta wonder why anyone would wear pants THAT LARGE!...

Man, I just wanted to rip his pom-poms off with my teeth... I wanted to get down with tha' fun-ky clown! Ah, I left that party in a hurry...

Ah!... I'm back...

Part II
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	Part II contains a "callback". Please view Part I of this set before clicking here.
	Try not to rely on the transcript as there's a lot of physical comedy in this set.

Transcript Part II
Comedy performance by Johanne Savoie
at Lafflines Comedy Club
Vancouver, B.C., Canada
October, 1998

  Ah!... I'm back...

Johanne Savoie:  It's pretty sad, eh? Like, I'll do... I'll say anything for a laugh, I don't care.

I'm a Comedy Whore.

But you know, and I can tell you this 'cause I think we have a good thing going here... we have a feeling that we worked out between us, and uh,... It's true, I am a Comedy Whore,.... I'll say anything to get a laugh, but, uh... It's not something I chose to do. You see, Oprah... I was a victim... When I was a... a little girl, my... my father used to MAKE ME LAUGH... He'd make me laugh, and laugh, and laugh... 'til it HURT... And mother knew what was going on... And she didn't try to stop it!... "Your father's just a funny man!" she would say...

I went on to school and, well, you know what it's like for a little High School girl who's been Comically Abused; such as I... Well, I would just... use my comedy to... to be more popular, see, 'cause Comedy and Love were all just jumbled up in my head!... I'd walk up to guys I barely knew and...*. send off a line... I was stealing other people's jokes... It was so humiliating!...

The guys... Oh, boy, did I get a reputation... They wrote on the bathroom wall, "For a good time, call..." The girls hated me, they gave me nicknames, like... Johanne "Worley"! Oh, that really hurt, 'cause she was such a hack! Y'know? Johanne, ooh...(guy in audience says, "I liked her!" Note: I did, too, but it doesn't help the joke.)

You remember her? You remember "Laugh-in"?... Oh, quick one... Jo-Anne Worley breaking off with an ex-boyfriend, "Fuck off! Get out of my life! Waaaaaah!" ...for you.

*sigh* The Grad was really tough, too, because, uh... y'know by then everybody knew about me and I was bored, so I walked off to the boys' Locker Room, y'know, kinda signalling some of my favourite friends over, ho, yeah,... One by one all the boys followed me in... I had the WHOLE HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL TEAM IN STITCHES!... I really hit bottom then... When I graduated, I became a Street Comic... h-Oh, yeah, walking up to total strangers, "Hey, man, wanna giggle?... Come on, I'm good for a chuckle..." Ah, now I've gone legit, I'm doing clubs for lovely, clean people like you... It just doesn't get any better than this, does it?

That bit doesn't really go anywhere, I just like it... 'cause I'm a Comedy Whore... (guy claps and says, "That's very good.")...Y'know?... There we go...

Ah,...Hey, you guys, speaking of Whoredom,... here's one; here's one I came up with, and it's just good for a laugh, it's not good for anything (else)... Remember in school, when people would come up to you and they'd say, "Hey, can you do this?" (mime) ...and. like,.. you'd like, practice... 'til you could... remember that?... Now, I've figured out why it's so important... (mime) You don't want to miss a beat...Oh...

You guys like impressions? I do, uh, Grover... wanna see that?... Grover impression?... O.K., here we go...from "Sesame Street"... Grover teaching us the difference between "Near" and "Far"... "Hello, kids!... Today we are going to learn the difference between 'Near' and 'Far'... Now, I am 'Near'...(mime).. and Now, I am 'Fa-a-ar! (mime)...and now, you know the difference between 'Near' and *ha*?... You do not know the difference between 'Near' and "Far"?... O.K., I will show you one more time... Now, I am 'Near'...(mime) ...and now, I am 'Fa-a-a-ar!' (mime).......

O.K., NOW how many of you would sleep with me tonight if I asked you nicely enough?....(covers eyes) Huh?... Ah...my public!...hunh?... Don't tell me comedians don't do this to get laid.

Here's another one I love, "Grover and Missy Piggy having sex"... Definitely not for T.V... "Grover and Miss Piggy having sex" and Disney corporation, please don't sue me... (Grover grunts)(Piggy squeals)(Grover grunts)(Piggy squeals, "Oh,... ride me you furry blue monster!")(Grover: Ah,... Oh, my God, you're a pig!)

This ever happen to you? This happens to me ALL the time... You're in a relationship and you are SO GOOD to the person, and you're gi-ving to them, and you GIVE them your attention and your love and you love and you give and you give and you love and yet they dump you anyway, you know when that happens.... Well,.......See ya! (exits)

Irwin Barker: Give it up for Johanne Savoie... Johanne Sa-vuah!.... Johanne Sa-vwa!